Reasons Why Hartemis Should Never Be Together
by The Creatress
Summary: Edited to be more clear. Why Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together... Oh my Fowl, has the Creatress jumped ship? Hell, NO! Humour/Parody/SATIRE! A/H Second chapter up, explaining how their kids would turn out...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Author's Note:

OMF, has the Creatress jumped ship? … Hell, NO! AH FOREVER!!

**READ THIS!! This fic is meant to be SATIRICAL in that it makes fun of all the serious Why AH Shouldn't Happen fics. The tone is meant to be very tongue in cheek because it sarcastically shoots down the conventional reasons that AntiAHers say Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together. Contrary to what the title implies, AntiAHers will NOT enjoy this. … AHers who are too young to understand the concept of satire probably won't like it either…**

Luv

Creatress

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Reasons Why Artemis and Holly Should NOT Be Together

She's a fairy and he's a human.

You see, readers, Colfer's repetitive foreshadowing signifies nada. Fairies and humans never ever mingled before, which is why the code in Eternity Code told us that there are humans who have some fairy blood in them (Do NOT wonder how it got there! I repeat – do NOT ask questions!) This is probably the same reason that Artemis, the supreme genius mastermind who knows all, told us that humans used to have magic before they forgot it.

The size differences.

Holly is one meter tall and Arty is… Well, Google says that the average height of the Irish male is 5'10. (This is pretty much the same reason that Butler will never find happiness with anyone. He's just too darn big.) I advise any woman whose partner is two feet taller than her to DUMP THAT GIANT!

People should not be with people who are _not exactly like them_! What is this world coming to? We let people marry outside their races, and now we're supposed to let people marry outside their _height ranges_?! What's next?! What if someone wanted to marry someone who is in a separate income bracket or had a different social status? We need to draw the line here, people!!! Here's me pointing a finger at Artemis and Holly: "God will punish you!"

(Side author's note: "God will punish you" is a line out of Holes by Louis Sachar. Read it – it's one of the greatest things ever written. A racist says the aforementioned line to a white woman and a black man who dared develop feelings for each other.)

Sex would be difficult because of the size differences. Once again, this right here is why people with dwarfism should only be with other people with dwarfism. Why don't we just cut to the chase here? Let's do the intelligent Social Darwinist thing to do and segregate them on an island somewhere.

Also, what is this idea that size doesn't matter? Size matters! The bigger the male's reproductive organ is and the smaller the female's repro – Oh. Damn, that actually encourages Artemis/Holly, doesn't it? Okay, scratch that. … Size doesn't matter!!! So what if Artemis is so much bigger than Holly?!...Ah, crap. I contradicted myself. … Let's move on…

What about all the other sex things? He's a criminal and she's a cop! You throw her handcuffs in there, and you have something so hot, it would melt your monitor's screen! Do you want your monitor's screen to melt?! DO YOU?!?! (Colfer wouldn't put it in his Rated Preteen and Above books. If he even gave us the vaguest of all hints that Holly handcuffed Artemis to the headboard, the book would spontaneously combust in your hands! Do you want to burn your hands?! DO YOU?!?!)

Imagine how the world would react to a human and fairy being together.

Artemis and Holly so obviously care deeply about what the rest of the world thinks of them. This why Artemis is a nice, law-abiding citizen who pets bunnies, does volunteer work on his weekends and will run for office so that he Make A Change! This is also why Holly did NOT think to challenge the widely accepted rule that females should not become Recon cops; instead, she dyed her hair blonde and works as a bank teller who sobs and faints accordingly whenever someone with loose clothing comes in. … But then again, being a nice, respectable woman who knows nothing about big, manly guns, how would she know which clothing can be used to conceal weapons?

Imagine how everyone else who probably crushed on Artemis and Holly would react.

A person should be with everyone who has a crush on him/her. It doesn't matter if you don't like them back; you should still develop relationships with them. _Everyone_. You shouldn't pick just one, because that wouldn't be fair to the rest of them.

This is also the reason that we should put an end to this ridiculous practice of getting restraining orders against people who like us! Why don't we just be flattered that someone is so interested in us that they follow us everywhere and just get with our stalkers?

So those are a few reasons AH shouldn't happen.

(If you couldn't tell, I was being SARCASTIC!)

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A section on Artemis' and Holly's children warrants a chapter all on their own, so that's what's coming next. I wrote this after a writer's block for Persephone's Crown, which will be updated tonight.

One of the biggest AH fans out there and writer of (as yet) eight serious AH fics (excluding this one) says:

REVIEW!

luv

Creatress


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer- All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Author's Note:

AH FOREVER!!

**READ THIS!! This fic is meant to be SATIRICAL in that it makes fun of all the serious Why AH Shouldn't Happen fics. The tone is meant to be very tongue in cheek because it sarcastically shoots down the conventional reasons that AntiAHers say Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together. Contrary to what the title implies, AntiAHers will NOT enjoy this. … AHers who are too young to understand the concept of satire probably won't like it either…**

Luv

Creatress

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More Reasons Why Artemis and Holly Should NOT Be Together

The Age Difference

Holly, you COUGAR!!!

How could I have neglected to rant about this in the first chapter? Holly's over a hundred years old!!!! … Well, no, she's actually 80 years old. But that's still older than most teenagers! Artemis at Book 6 was 17 or 14. I'm going to say he is 14 years old, in order to give AntiAH a chance. An 80-year-old and a 14-year-old. Tsk, tsk…

So some digging around resulted in this find: Fairies gain one year for every four years of human life. Assuming that Holly was 80 in Book 1, she's about 83 by Book 6. It's a 20-year-old and a 14-year-old. Holly, you… MINI-COUGAR!!!

Here's why it will never work out: When Arty turns 15, Holly'll be 21. When he turns 19, she'll be 22. When he turns 23, she'll be 23. … Yay, they could be together for one year. Because after that, he's 24 and she's 23.25. When he's 25, she's 23.5… The point is that by the time Artemis is dying at the age of 82, Holly's still a baby-sweet 37 years old. Arty, you – you – YOU SUGAR DADDY!

Yeah. Moving on…

The children; think of the children! Won't somebody _please_ think of the children?! (The ones who have to be in the same class as Artemis and Holly's spawns. … As a matter of fact, let's spare a few thoughts for their poor teachers as well.) Consider the following scenarios:

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**Scenario #1:**

Little Johnny: (falls and scrapes knee) Owie! (whimpering on the ground)

Diana, Who Has Inherited Artemis and Holly's Recessive Compassionate Trait Genes: (walks over) Aw, poor you. (pokes Little Johnny's knee and heals him with blue sparks)

Little Johnny: Wow, thanks!

Diana: You're welcome, but you can't tell anyone.

Little Johnny: Okay, I can keep a secret. Wanna play tag?

xXx

Which is all well and good, except all children are evil and Little Johnny will soon blab. So, in the playground...

**Scenario #2:**

Little Johnny: (blabbing)

Noel, Who Has Inherited Artemis and Holly's Dominant Cruelness Trait Genes: HEY! Stop telling stories about my sister!

Little Johnny: But your sister healed my knee in a few seconds with her blue sparks from her finger!!!!

Noel, Who Has Also Inherited Daddy's Smart-Arse Abilities: Imbecile! It's impossible to generate sparks from human digits and it's equally impossible to create the kind of cell growth necessary to doctor scraped skin back to health in a mere few seconds.

Little Johnny: (confused) What?

Noel, Who Has Also Inherited Mommy's Kick-Arse Abilities: Your knee is _still_ hurt! (kicks Little Johnny's knee)

Little Johnny: (Scarred for life.) (His knee, I mean.)

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And you just know that while all of this is going on outside in the playground, Dr. Po is in his office with Artemis:

**Scenario #3:**

Dr. Po, Who Has Managed To Keep His Job After All These Years: Artemis, we're here to discuss your mental health. Why did you feel the need to burn your hands?

Artemis III: I didn't feel the need to burn my hands.

Dr. Po: Would you like to tell me what happened?

Artemis III: Okay. I'll tell you what happened. (takes a deep breath) You see, Doctor… My parents met when my father kidnapped my mother and held her ransom for a large sum of gold. So their relationship has been a tad rocky over the years, and even though they love each other very, very much, they sometimes have trust issues. It's not their fault; it's just because my father had a less than ideal childhood in his formative years, so he doesn't always know how to treat my mother with the trust and respect she deserves. My mother, on the other hand, her family was killed by a bunch of criminals when she was little, and she's afraid that my father's either going to break her heart or die or something. Are you with me?

Dr. Po: (eye twitches) Yes.

Artemis III: Because of their trust issues, they're always playing little trust-building games and they never tell my sisters or myself what they're doing. So, I decided to find out. I stole the disc my father keeps his e-journal on and tried to open it on my laptop, but… It spontaneously combusted. And burned my hands.

Dr. Po: It spontaneously combusted?

Artemis III: Yes.

Dr. Po: (tries to mentally prepare himself) Is there anything else you would like to tell me?

Artemis III: … Well, my mother's not human. She's a fairy. She's also an officer for the fairy race's police, which is why my father was able to get a huge ransom for her safe return. Every month, we have to do the Ritual to keep our powers in store and all of technology in the house is extremely advanced by human standards, thanks to Foaly, the centaur. We all harbor a secret fear that since my father is only human, he might die out much sooner than us, and we'll have to live for hundreds of years more without him.

Dr. Po: (eye twitches again) Anything else?

Artemis III: … You know how centaurs are half-human, half-horses?

Dr. Po: (eye twitches) (nods.)

Artemis III: So, since they're half-human, if I had a crush on a female centaur, would you consider that bestiality?

Dr. Po: (even his eye is frozen)

Artemis III: She's a friend; she already lets me ride her – just not _that_ way. I'm telling you this, because, technically, my parents are of different species, too, you know? … Doctor?

Dr. Po: …

Artemis III, Who Is After All Artemis and Holly's Kid: (sighs) Of course, if all of this was true… I would never tell you about any of it… (smiles at the doctor and raises an eyebrow, cryptically) Would I?

Dr. Po: (quits)

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So, think, readers… Do you really want this kind of madness unleashed upon the world? I thought not…

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A/n

Once again, for those who didn't get it, this thing is Pro-AH, if you look closely.

Also, please tell me what you would like me to rant about. I have one idea for the next chapter… Well, two, if I include a sudden idea I'm having about Artemis III and his crush… Ooohh, I just got her name! :D

On that note, I picked Artemis and Holly's kids names, based on some popular fics out there. Diana and Artemis III show up a lot, and Noel comes from… A fic which I can't find now. She gets stuck in a well – if someone knows it, tell me.

It's 1:38 am, and I can barely see straight. So… Ciao.

REVIEW!

Luv,

Creatress


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer- All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Author's Note:

AH FOREVER!!

**READ THIS!! This fic is meant to be SATIRICAL in that it makes fun of all the serious Why AH Shouldn't Happen fics. The tone is meant to be very tongue in cheek because it sarcastically shoots down the conventional reasons that AntiAHers say Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together. Contrary to what the title implies, AntiAHers will NOT enjoy this. … AHers who are too young to understand the concept of satire probably won't like it either… **

Luv

Creatress

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Ever More Reasons Why Artemis and Holly Should NOT Be Together

They have been "bonded by trauma." Honestly, what do they have to talk to about? Other than Opal? Fate has thrown them for adventures through the years so that they could talk about just that – adventures. Nothing else.

Did Arty come out of his shell a little when Holly started quizzing him about his father in Arctic Incident? No, his brain was frozen and wasn't functioning normally. Did it look like Artemis comforted Holly during Julius' funeral? Nah, he just had a hand on her shoulder because he so obviously has a shoulder fetish. Did it look like he talked to her about his mother's illness in Time Paradox? Pfft. No.

People always colour code their messages when they're talking to people they seldom talk to. This way, you can maintain personal distance in the relationship by quickly conveying the nature of the intended message with the colour of the text without having to jeopardize your neutrality shell by using actual words.

Moreover, people colour code their messages when they are dealing with people they only have one kind of business with. I know that may seem a little backward, but that's the way it is. It's not as if Artemis and Holly decided to colour code their messages because the social calls and the business calls were getting into the same pile. I mean, come on, how lovely would these two messages sound, read back to back?

'_Holly, I've found a lead on that sprite behind the serial killings. I'm quite sure he lures women to his house by putting up a series of acts of chivalry and helpfulness, so that they trust him. I've attached a __**whole**__ profile for you. – Artemis_'

'_Holly, My parents are taking the twins out this weekend and Butler's visiting Juliet. Since, I just put up an act of chivalry and helpfulness by helping you catch that sprite, perhaps you should trust me enough to grace me with a visit? – Artemis'_

And assuming no one tries to kill anyone during said visit, you would think they'd have to spend the time doing something else… Maybe that thing where one moves ones mouth, tongue and other such muscles in order to make sound flow from ones throat in a certain pattern in order to send a message so that another party may use his/her ears to decipher said message, and then respond accordingly? … What's that called again?

The species thang. I know we've already covered this in chapter one, but one of our esteemed reviewers pointed out that humans evolved from fairies, so Artemis getting together with Holly would be like him getting together with a chimp.

Nice.

Because Holly is just like a _chimp_. She's a lovable little creature, but she's still a furry little chimp who is not human like Arty. She doesn't speak any understandable language, she lives in the wild, her intelligence is subpar compared to us regular folk, and, from time to time, she would throw feces at you.

Oh, yeah. Holly is just like a chimp.

The differences between fairies and humans are about as wide and extreme as the differences between different people around the world. Fairies and humans have the same morals, values, and all that jazz, but as history would show us, people used to be highly suspicious of people who are Not Exactly Like Them. So thousands and thousands of years ago, there was a war, and the fairy people were driven underground by the humans. That was thousands and thousands of years ago. Today is not thousands and thousands of years ago.

This doesn't mean that one group is "more" evolved than the other. This doesn't mean that one group is less "civilized" than the other; it doesn't mean that one group is any more animalistic than the other. It just means that they may look different, have different languages, have different ways of doing things…

In some cases, one group might be better skilled at certain things, but that doesn't mean that those skills can't be passed on to others. (Oh my Lord, remember when Arty got some Holly's magic and then he was able to do that sparky-sparky thing with his fingers? It totally freaked Leon out!)

But I'm no Charles Darwin and am no expert on evolution. But I do know this:

Artemis and Holly are suited for one another, despite the human/fairy thing. On a related note, some people might be suited for some chimps despite the human/chimp thing…

… Did I just spend the last five paragraphs promoting A/H?! Oh, no… Aw, I don't want to delete all that… Okay, just read it and then forget about it.

Did you forget it yet?

MINDWIPEMINDWIPEMINDWIPEMINDWIPEMINDWIPEMINDWIPEMINDWIPEMINDWIPEMINDWIPE

Good.

Now, as a few of you may have realized, this chapter was put up, and then subsequently taken back down a few short hours later. This is because I'd decided there was one more thing that should be added…

The last 'Reason that Artemis and Holly should not be together" we shall be discussing tonight was sent to me in the form of a private message, because someone didn't have the balls to say it in a public review. But with the magical ability to Copy and Paste, I give you this private message (sent by the same guy who is dating chimps):

* * *

You have received a private message from:

Name: [edited out by the Creatress]  
Profile: [For some reason, I feel nice…]

Subject: you

hello. you're a great author i've read a lot of your stories, but..  
you're a liberal and a hindu! go ** obama!

* * *

Charming, no? I'm not going to say anything about it, because the message speaks for itself. There is no refuting the fact that Artemis and Holly should not be together because I, the Creatress, am a Liberal and a Hindu who should go ** Obama.

xXxXxXx

A/n

Anything else for me to shoot down?

If anybody's curious about the identity of our chimp lover, feel free to ask me. Just because I had a bowl of strawberry ice-cream and am feeling too nice to publish it outright here doesn't mean I can't tell y'all in private. Ha. Ha.

Also, to Chimp Lover - Don't even bother trying to deny you sent this message. I have saved it and will forward it to anyone who thinks it's fake.

Seriously, though, I ask this in all honest curiousity: What does ** mean? What do two asterisks mean? I would understand maybe four, maybe three, but what word would have two letters/two asterisks…??

Urgh…

REVIEW!

Luv

Creatress


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer- All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

xXxXxXxXx

Author's Note:

AH FOREVER!!

**READ THIS!! This fic is meant to be SATIRICAL in that it makes fun of all the serious Why AH Shouldn't Happen fics. The tone is meant to be very tongue in cheek because it sarcastically shoots down the conventional reasons that AntiAHers say Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together. Contrary to what the title implies, AntiAHers will NOT enjoy this. … AHers who are too young to understand the concept of satire probably won't like it either… **

Luv

Creatress

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You'd Think We'd Be Done By Now, but No

Okay, I might as well get this out of the way: a lot of reviewers asked me who Chimp Lover was and I responded to… One, I believe. Because shortly after that, I got a short, but sincere message from him telling me that he was sorry for his earlier comments. Apology accepted; thank you.

Onto the A/H bashing now…

The Weird Shipper gave me these two theories to confirm (thank you, doll):

"_Actually, as it states in the first bnook, the only mentioned theory of evolution is that fairies evolved from flying dinosuars. So, you think Aertemis should be with a humaniod, attractive and evolved pterodactyl…"_

So true. SO true! Holly is more like a pterodactyl than she is like a chimp, even. (Actually, research just showed me that humans didn't even evolve from chimps. We humans and chimps just share an ancestor. Scientists are still arguing over exactly who this ancestor might be… Who's your Daddy?) Yup. Holly is just like a pterodactyl. She has wings (biological, non-technological). And a beak. Anyways, the point is: Artemis shouldn't be with a pterodactyl, no matter how humanoid and "evolved" she is.

Artemis should be with bacteria!

No, grammar-nerds, I did not forget to capitalize a girl's name there. Artemis should be with bacteria. Personally, I'd like to see him with baker's yeast. Yum.

This is because Artemis, myself, and many of my fellow homo sapiens, like you, Weird Shipper, evolved from single-celled micro-organisms. Bacteria like baker's yeast comes from same. (Actually, dinosaurs evolved from single-celled micro-organisms, too… But let's not go there.) We (humans and modern-day bacteria) all evolved from the same source… Therefore, I think Artemis should be with bacteria.

In fact, my next Singles ad is going to go something like this: 'Single 20-year-old Torontonian girl looking for a humanoid, attractive (not a must, actually), and evolved single-celled microorganism. Plural cells okay, too.'

Sarcasm aside… Let's not try to look at the fairies and humans the way they are today instead of the way they were billions of years ago.

All this talk of evolution makes one wonder: _what if they tried to breed_? If Edward and Bella can manage to conceive and borne a cross-species baby, then Artemis and Holly can do it, too. (Once again, do you want the horror from Chapter 2 unleashed upon the world?)

(I just compared Artemis and Holly to Edward and Bella. Oh, God, what have I done? But, GMontag gave me the idea, so… If Demetra just left A/H, never to return… It's GMontag's doing. On that note, we'll be talking about Demetra's problems with A/H next chapter.)

Onto Weird Shipper's next point:

_"One other point I would like you to talk me out of: Holly is incredibly independant, right? And probably wouldn't give up her entire life for a man, especially who'll be dead in a few decades, leaving her left all alone, abandoned by her people . . . But, that's what'd happen if she was to get any farther than friendahip, or admitted feelings. Or she'd lie. Holly doesn't seem like the lieing type to me, though . . ._

_Either way, can you talk me out of that opinion?"_

Why would I want to talk you out of that? I'm trying to _bash_ A/H here. Seriously.

Holly doesn't lie? Then who said something along the lines of "Yes, Commander, I'm running hot! Full to the brim with magic! I'm so full of the stuff that no human can EVER capture me!"

Also, she _would_ be abandoned by the People. You would think someone on the Council would think, "Hey, if he feels strongly about her, he might not expose/exploit/explode our world." But, no. That kind of thinking is usually left to Vinyaya, and as we all know, that woman skips work and takes coffee/bathroom breaks all the time, so she can't be counted upon to point that out.

As for the whole "dead in a few decades" thing… Oh, no. Fountain of Youth. Don't worry, it probably doesn't exist. If it does, Artemis probably won't find it. He isn't very good at finding stuff, is he? So, if there isn't a Fountain of Youth, the longest he might manage is one hundred years (with advances in medicine and magic and whatnot). What is there after that?

Horcruxes! (He kills Present Opal; that's another one hundred years. Maybe Past Opal can go down, too, then he'd be up to three hundred years…) I'm kidding. I'm _kidding_. I'd now like to take this opportunity to welcome 'sirius 4-ever and a day' to the Artemis Fowl fandom. sirius is now reading a lot of A/H. As you probably guessed from that joke (just a joke…) I made, sirius just came over from the Harry Potter fandom (he/she used read a lot of my TR/GWs… That's right, I went back and checked). So a warm welcome to you, sirius. You'll find that the evil genius of the Artemis Fowl series is, well, a tad nicer than the evil genius in the Harry Potter series. As such, there will be no horcruxes… So, Weird Shipper might be right. Artemis might die before Holly.

Also, this is why you should never give a chance to someone who might be ill and dying or anyone who has their days numbered in any other way. _Why_ set yourself up for sadness? Hmm? In fact, we should all make sure that the people we date won't outlast us by more than a year or two or die too soon before us - put our partners through physical tests and demand health records before our first dates. That would save a LOT of time. In fact, I'm adding it to my Singles Ad: "Must plan to live for, at least, 60 more years."

Yeah. So there. It's _never_ 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.' Anybody who tells you otherwise is lying.

By the Gods, that is depressing. So let's move onto a more cheerful Anti-A/H reason.

Imagine how their families would react if they met. (By the way, thank you Nari-nick for giving me that tip about Deviantart. Someone's taken time to draw out the reasons Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together in a series of pictures called "Artemis and Holly can't pair." Arguments only get more effective with visual aids, so I suggest everyone check those out for a lark or two.) Anyways, back to the Fowls and the Shorts…

You would think that the two families could bond over how their last names are synonymous with words (or ARE words) that accurately describe the clan. But, no. For one thing, Holly's parents are dead… Does that help or hinder the situation? If her father was alive, maybe the internal sensors in his brain would have gone off at seeing Artemis I… While the same sensors went off in Timmy's brain. Imagine this:

* * *

Mr. Fowl: My baddy-senses are tingling.

Mr. Short: My goody-senses are tingling.

Mr. Fowl: COP!

Mr. Short: CRIMINAL!

Chaos: [Occurs]

* * *

If the whole evolution thing has taught us anything, you are forever defined by the tree from which you fell from. The son of a crime lord cannot get with the daughter of a hot-shot crime-fighter. May Romeo and Juliet serve as a warning to thee… Well, as a warning to Holly. Apparently, Artemis is going to die soon anyway.

* * *

Coral: I'm a doctor. I research rare life forms and try to figure out ways to keep them from going extinct.

Angeline: I'm pretty big of wildlife reservation, too. Let me tell you about this lemur…

Harmony and Common Ground: [Found]

* * *

… … Pfft. Mothers. … …

Anyways, Holly's close friends and extended family might meet the Fowls eventually, and that WOULD be awkward… In the best case scenario. Any episode of Dr. Phil would tell you that a couple cannot survive if their in-laws feel even the least bit of discomfort around one another.

So Artemis and Holly are doomed…

xXxXx

A/n

I've been working (at Tim Horton's. All you Canadians out there, I'm telling you now – it doesn't matter what time of the day you go in. That coffee has been there for over 20 minutes.), trying to get enough money together to cover a bit of my tuition, which is why updates have been slow. It should pick up soon, don't worry.

Next week, we'll be talking about Demetra's problems with A/H and Artemis' hospital bill. That's right, Artemis' hospital bill. When you see those pictures on deviantart, you'll know what I'm talking about.

REVIEW!

luv

Creatress


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